Christmas Kindling with Mr. X ♡
The Ghost of Christmas Past
Adventures with Chestnut is a recurring column following the dating escapades of Chestnut, a fictionalized late-20-something navigating love and life in San Francisco.
It was a very cold, surprisingly snowy Christmas Day in Virginia. I was home visiting my family for a week for the holidays.
Christmas morning consisted of the usual family gathering by the fire, all of us sugar-drunk on cinnamon rolls and orange juice, participating in excessive gift-giving. Per usual, this was followed by a mini breakdown on my end.
After the excessive giving ceased, I found myself sitting on the couch amidst piles of wrapping paper, coffee table books, t-shirts, underwear, socks, pans, and other items I didn't want or need, tearing up, and thinking ‘This is so wasteful. What am I going to do with all these useless items? Give them to the homeless, return them? Why do we do this? We should be helping those in need instead.”
My family and I have different relationships to material items. To them, these items are an expression of love and the necessary tools to improve your life and status. To me, they are burdensome things to be managed, dealth with, returned, etc. So every year on Christmas Day, my inner conflict surfaces. When the gift-giving ritual is finally complete, I find myself amidst wrapping paper and random items experiencing a sad, empty feeling. Then I promise myself that the next year I won't come back for Christmas or I will make plans to spend the day at a soup kitchen.
This year, after the usual Christmas morning series of events, I felt a familiarlonging for Mr. X. I remembered last Christmas, where we had spent the evening before Christmas and the day of chatting on Facetime. I had visited him the day after Christmas and we had enjoyed a wonderful two days followed by a Mr. X-generated fight: I had tried to help him carry his luggage, which he responded to with an angry "Don't touch that! I can do it." I dropped the luggage, which he then told me in his best outdoor voice contained his computer.
Needless to say, the memories were mixed, but in my heart of hearts, I just missed his companionship.
That evening, my fingers got carried away and I lit a match to the dying embers between Mr. X and me.
“Merry Christmas Mr. X!,” I texted.
To my surprise, a bubble of three dots popped up. immediately
“Merry Christmas Chestnut. I saw these online and thought you might enjoy them.
...
“They’re for sale at five and diamond in the mission.”
I flush. So Mr. X has been thinking of me too.
“Thanks Mr. X, I like them. Apparently Santa didn’t hear about the sale.”
The next evening, I followed my longing with impulsive action once again. I knew I was playing with fire, but I dialed the number anyway.
“Hello?” Mr. X's voice sounded uncertain and a bit playful.
“Hey.”
“So, what’d you call for, just to talk?”
“You’re such a smarty, Mr. X. That’s exactly why I like you.”
“Thanks. How’s your Christmas Chestnut?”
“Good,” I tell him a little about my Christmas. “How has your Christmas been, Mr. X? Did you go anywhere or get good gifts?”
“I was here in DC, and I took the train to New York for a day to see this girl I met at Burning Man.”
My heart sinks.
“Oh, nice,” I say softly, and then I am quiet. I have no claims to this man. I am putting my heart out there at my own risk.
We talk about traveling, flying planes, Christmas gifts, and my brother’s tendency to annoy others to get attention.'
Mr. X sheds his insight on this topic, and I am quite impressed by his ability to understand my brother’s motivation. I tell him as much.
“Well, that one’s easy for me to get….A little boy who could never get enough attention? I think I can understand that pretty well.”
“What’d you get for Christmas, Mr. X?”
“Oh, some different stuff, some books on flying.”
“Are you reading them?”
“No, I’ve got some other stuff I’ve got to finish first.”
“Oh, what are you reading right now, Mr. X?”
“I’m actually reading some stuff off of your reading list.”
My jaw does actually drop at this moment. Mr. X has been taking in more of what I said than he ever allowed me to see.
“Like what?,” I ask.
“Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. And some David Deida stuff, basically his guide to getting it on.”
“Do you like them?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s just hard cause I don’t have a partner to practice some of the stuff with and I really want to apply it,” says Mr. X.
Interesting.
“I like the underwear you sent me," I say. I ordered it and it's waiting for me upon my arrival back in SF.”
“Yeah, I almost didn’t send you the link because I didn’t want to send the wrong message, but then I thought, ‘Hey, it’s Christmas.'”
“Right,” I said, “and on Christmas we send our friends pictures of lingerie.”
“Right, exactly,” Mr. X laughs.
Well, the only message I was getting from Mr. X was that he has been thinking of me, in bed.
He becomes quiet, and I ask “Do you need to go?”
“Actually, yeah, I just got home, and I need to go inside.”
“Okay, nice talking to you, Mr. X. Bye.”
“Bye Chestnut,” he says awkwardly.
So, Mr. X has been thinking of me too. Or maybe he just wanted someone to think of him.
I feel the echo of that familiar feeling - a mix of longing, sweetness, sadness, and confusion with a sprinkle of hurt, an insatiable curiosity about why he doesn't see the same potential in the relationship that I do.
I put my phone away and reach for my eye mask, pausing as my gaze lands on the lavender bouquet sitting on my table—the one my good friend Alex and I foraged together back in June, just after I came home for a summer visit. It’s dry now, a little brittle at the edges, but still bright purple, still faintly fragrant. I’d placed it in a Spanish ceramic jug I brought home from a trip years ago, hoping the weight of something beautiful and old would anchor the flighty flowers.
The lavender reminds me of how simple that day with Alex was. How enough I felt. How mutual it felt.
I turn off the lights, but my mind won't follow. I toss and turn, restless in a way I can’t quite name. Thoughts jet around my head, but always return to Mr. X. I try to make sense of his silence, his warmth, his distance.
But maybe the better task is to make sense of what’s going on in mine.
Eventually, I fall asleep holding the soft ache of longing.
When I wake, I feel the familiar loss and confusion. The first thing I see is that same lavender bouquet. Still here. Still fragrant. Still mine.
I can’t make Mr. X show up. I can’t return the gift of his mixed signals.
But I can make something beautiful with my lavender flowers. Something calming, something kind—something to stir the part of me that already knows the truth—even when I don’t want to hear it.
🎶 Love & Lyrics
Poison and Wine – The Civil Wars
🍴 Recipe: Lavender-Blueberry Intuition Smoothie
A recipe to hold my ache and support clarity and self-care.
I am a big believer in intuition. I believe that I, or we all, actually, can sense the reality of what is going on at a given moment if we can tune into ourselves. My intuition is telling me that Mr. X still has feelings for me, which is why I texted him in the first place, even though he flat-out denies his feelings.
After this conversation, I needed a little more of an intuition boost to help me understand what I am feeling. Lavender is an herb known to boost intuition. Its purple color is the same color as our sixth chakra or third eye, where our intuition is often expressed.
Lavender also helps with insomnia, anxiety, depression, and fatigue. Research has confirmed that lavender produces slight calming, soothing, and sedative effects when its scent is inhaled or it is ingested.
Blueberries have been proven to enhance memory and are also known to boost intuition. So, here is a recipe for a delicious, healthy, intuition-boosting smoothie.
Blueberry & Lavender Smoothie
Makes 4 cups (2-4 servings)
Prep time: 5 minutes
Ingredients:
✧ 1 frozen banana, peeled and chopped into chunks
✧ 1 cup blueberries, fresh or frozen
✧ ¼ teaspoon salt
✧ 1 tablespoon fresh lavender buds, chopped
✧ 1 cup orange juice
✧ 2 tablespoons honey or 2 dates, or more to taste
✧ 1 cup ice (optional)
✧ 1/2 cup almond milk (optional)
✧ Fresh lavender sprigs, to garnish
Instructions:
Combine ice, banana, orange juice and blueberries in a blender or food processor. Process until blended.
Add softened, chopped dates or honey and lavender. Blend until smooth.
Taste; add more honey as needed, and gradually pour in almond milk to thin as desired. Serve immediately, garnished with fresh lavender sprigs.
Make-Ahead Tip: Blend smoothie as directed, omitting the ice. Portion single serving sizes into re-sealable, freezer-safe cups and freeze. Transfer one to the fridge the night before, and it’ll be thawed by morning.
✧ Storytelling Disclaimer
The above story is a work of creative nonfiction. The character ‘Chestnut’ is a fictionalized representation of a young woman experiencing dating life in San Francisco, drawing inspiration from a blend of actual experiences—those of my (the author’s) own, my friends,’ clients,’ and the collective stories we all share. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental. Some details have been altered for storytelling purposes.